Hello Everyone! Let’s take a break from the ladies and hear a man’s point of view on the topic of marriage and what it means to be a good husband. And before you think this brother is too good to be true, I have known him practically all of my life and can attest to the fact that he is who he says he is.
Elder Shawn Everette Rogers is a singer, songwriter, and audio engineer residing in Baltimore, Maryland, but his edgy, in-your-face lyrics still carry the aroma of Long Island, New York where he grew up. Shawn Everette Rogers combines urban contemporary Christian music with a quiet storm brand of soul and worship music. With influences from a variety of music styles such as R&B, gospel, and praise and worship, his signature sound is destined to capture the mind, soul, and spirit of people from vast musical taste bringing them to a common point of truth. Check out the links after the break for great music. Let the interview begin!
Share with readers what your spiritual beliefs are.
I am a Christian. In today’s society that statement has become very blurry. My definition of a Christian is one who follows Jesus Christ, the Jewish teacher from the 1st century, and lives a life that reflects the whole of the biblical account in modern society. I accept the scriptures he taught from, which we call the Old Testament, hold them to be truth and depend on His Spirit to teach me how to live them out today.
How did your beliefs factor into your search for a wife?
I prayed for a wife. I was hanging with a young lady as friends for a few months before I started dating my wife. My spiritual father at that time pulled me to the side and said “You need to pray for a wife and tell God exactly what you are searching for.” I thought that was bold but I listened. I prayed and asked for some specific things. Now I have to admit some of the things I asked for were, well, shallow. But come on I am a guy! We do need to know what interests us. Now my Godfather was a Pastor so I thought this was crazy but he said “Be specific. You want to wake up in 10 years, roll over, and stare at your wife and smile.” Yes, I too thought to myself “Ummmm WOW!” So I knew I wanted a Christian wife. There was no desire in my heart to marry someone who did not love Jesus. That is just asking for heartache and conflict. As I look back over my marriage, I can clearly see it was God who knew much better than me what I needed.
When you met your wife, how did you court her and what things did you do or say to let her know you were serious about her? At what point did you know she was The One?
Now this is where the fun begins! Can I say from the start this is my story and it may not happen like this for everyone? The point is when we trust God He knows exactly how to pull it all together. As I stated earlier I did pray about finding a wife. I have to say I always loved the idea of being married and having a family. I first met my wife about three years before we got together. Fast forward two years, she began attending the same church I attended and I watched her dance on the praise team. I remember being in the sound room and one of the guys said, “She is a sweet and beautiful girl, and some dude is going be blessed to marry her.” The thought, “Wow, the man that marries her will be a happy dude!” was in my head every time I saw her. At an organizational function I mentioned to one of her sorors how beautiful I thought she was and she said “You know she is single now.” I did not think anything more about it because she always gave me the B.L. (blank stare). Now I told you my Godfather told me to pray and I did! I was specific saying, “Jesus please let my wife be someone committed, who wants children, loves you, loves me, and all the spiritual stuff.” Finally I said, feeling sheepish, “I like long hair, fair skin, and it would be interesting if she had brown eyes.” A few weeks later God gave me a dream. When I awoke I knew the dream was about my wife.
It may have been a few weeks later, I was getting on the bus to go to work and as I stepped on my future wife was on the bus. Now we had never talked since the first day I said hello when we met three years prior. She really didn’t notice me at all at church. This day on the bus when she saw me, she said her heart jumped. She smiled at me with the most welcome smile. We sat and talked for the first time on that bus ride. That same night after church we got the same ride home and I asked if I could call her. She said yes and we began to talk on the phone. After about three months she asked if I thought she was my wife. I said yes. She said “how do you know?” I told her about the dream and all the things God showed me so I would be clear when my wife came into my life. That dream was a confirmation that put in my spirit the assurance of who she was when we got together. I really believe she was my miracle from God to tell me no detail in your life is to small for Him to be involved in. We were married in six months after meeting on that bus.
Now in the 20 years we have been married I have found that I was clueless to what I really needed in a spouse. There are so many things that have come up in our lives that have been trying. In every circumstance we have found we are just what each other needs. Only God can do that. He looked into what I needed and provided that along with the things that were just heart desires. What an amazing God we serve. I did learn after we were married that my friend I talked to at the organization function told her I was fond of her. I had no clue she would do that or any hope this women would fall in love with me.
What things did you do in preparation for being a husband and father prior to marriage?
First let me say if someone is not at an age to get married there is little point in dating. The process of underage dating is a set up for emotional barnyard rides, unneeded heart decay, and hurt that constructs moats and castle walls in fields of mistrust around the heart that may take years to undo. It can be the foundation of major issues in marriage. The potential for promiscuity sky rockets because intimate relationships will progress. It is the natural order of them. Make lots of friends, go out in groups, and get to know people, their personalities, keep your emotional wits, and pray. It is then you will have a broad canvas to work with when you are of age and mentally ready to find your spouse.
I can’t stress enough how detrimental premarital sex is even if it is with the one you marry. Saving yourself (as the first) for your spouse will give you years to learn and explore new things for the first time. There is an amazing spiritual and emotional bond in that. It will also save you from fighting demons of your past, abortions, shame and mistrust. Now I want you to know that the above is what I learned through experience after the fact. In the midst of a wonderful marriage I so often think how much richer it would have been had I known then what I know now.
As a husband of 20 years and a father of four teen-aged boys, I can say the only thing that prepares you for the journey of marriage and family is Jesus. So, often I feel unprepared, lost, inadequate, unworthy, clueless, blindsided and dumb. Through all that I know God loves me, loves my family and because it is his will that we succeed. I can hope in Him despite all the above. The sweet, teeth jeering icing on top is that I LOOOOOOVE my wife and kids.
How do you problem solve in your household and who has the last word? Why?
We spend a lot of time together watching TV and eating dinner as a family. We attend church and do family stuff. Dating is a consistent part of our marriage even if it is a date night at home with a movie and some popcorn. We argue and learn how to resolve issues and through that we have really come to understand that we are committed to one another. We don’t always have to agree but my wife is big on order and will say to me, “God has set you as the head so it is your final decision.” She says, “These are my thoughts but the outcome rests on you as the head.” I have learned to consider things much more carefully because I realize my family will be affected by my poor or great decisions. I thank God for a wife that does not try to take over, but lovingly and with great wisdom shares with me her thoughts and then prays for us. She has really helped me to understand what true love is in marriage. I don’t have a problem saying my understanding was severely lacking. One of the greatest benefits to marriage is it will show you who you really are. God through marriage helps us to cultivate humility. We realize our faults and imperfections as our spouse is a mirror reflecting back our image. We need to use those truths not to build walls but to build bridges and doors to our inner most person and to our spouse. We should allow our spouse to point out those rough edges and help us become what God wants us to be.
What things do you do to make your wife feel special?
I make her feel special by buying her flowers, watching movies/ TV shows that she likes, listening to her (as best a man can), praying for her, working hard to provide for her, being compassionate to her, coming home to her and only her, making the Bible my road map to life, including her in decisions, trusting her, holding her in my arms as they were made for her, and every day trying to love her better then yesterday.
What things do you believe a wife should do in general to make her husband feel needed and wanted?
I think the Provebs 31 woman is a good example. 1 Peter chapter 3 is great. It states:
“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. 7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”
If more women understood that the above is what a GODLY MAN needs, life and family would be good. Now I capitalized GODLY MAN because the Bible says husband love your wives as Christ loves the church and (gave himself for it) died for it. As husbands we should be treating our wives as our own flesh. We don’t hate ourselves or abuse ourselves or cheat on ourselves. Why should any man expect reverence from his wife in whom he is not being loving to? Remember marriage is a mirror reflecting back at you. Now men give love (women want to be loved) and wives give respect (men want to be honored). That is the broad stroke and there is blending of other stuff in those two things. If we look out into the world men don’t love their wives and women disrespect their husband, and that is really the root of problems in marriage.
Share with our readers what it’s supposed to look like when a man is into a woman.
This is a hard question because you have to spend time finding out what makes your woman feel loved. It is most important that you are willing to take the time to find out what makes her melt like warm honey. It is time consuming and frustrating sometimes because women can be emotional. That’s not a bad thing; it is by design. We as husbands need to be man enough to take the roller coaster ride and hang on for all the steep dips and head snapping turns knowing all the while that that is part of the fun. It is a journey well worth taking.
Please give advice to the brothers who need to understand what they must do if they are serious about finding a wife.
- I think men who are serious about finding a wife need to first pray. Be serious about finding God’s purpose for your life and then allow God to bring you someone who will complement that. Examine your calling and ask if you do get married will it add to or take away from your purpose. For example, it will be hard to raise a family as an entertainer. If you are never home or don’t have time to be there, is it really smart to start a family you will not have time for?
- Deal with your demons. Be real with God and yourself about your past and let God heal you from it. Don’t bring mess into your marriage. Get rid of the ideas of old girlfriends, secret rendezvous, and pornography (marriage is soooooooooo much better), and be ready to commit to one woman.
- Be determined to submerge and stay in the water (water meaning marriage) no matter what or don’t bother getting in. Never have a plan B for your marriage.
- LOVE HARD. BE HUMBLE. I cannot tell you the amount of things I found out after getting married–both good and bad– about myself, my spouse, and life. I don’t think one can ever be prepared because there are so many ways life can come at you. What is most important is to STAY COMMITTED, TRUST GOD, PUT GOD FIRST, YOUR WIFE SECOND, AND LIFE THIRD.
To learn more about Shawn and his music: