Hello Readers! In this final segment of the marriage series I interviewed a very good friend of mine who is the epitome of a good wife. She sticks by her husband through thick and thin, prays for him, and makes sure her house is in order so that there is peace in the home. Despite her busy life as a professor, writer, and doctoral student, she embraces a traditional marriage life by cooking great meals, keeping a clean home, and looking good for her husband. And because she clearly shows her devotion to the health of their marriage, her husband does his share as well to make sure he has a happy wife so that he’ll have a happy life! Let’s get into the interview.
How long have you been married?
I have been married for 3 years now.
How did you two meet?
We met at church on several occasions however we finally communicated when we happen to be seated next to each other one Sunday morning. We were both surprised! Then during the service the pastor said turn to your neighbors and say I love you. I hesitated but he said it quick, lol! The pastor said you never know that may be your husband or wife. After service we exchanged numbers and later he arranged to meet for lunch. God is definitely in the details!
What did you do prior to meeting your husband in preparation for marriage?
In preparation for marriage, I asked God to prepare me through prayer. I also took several months looking for scriptures in the Bible that pertained to marriage and studied them in order to align myself. I spoke to several married women that I respected and who were at different levels in their marriage to gain some knowledge/advice. Finally, I cleaned up my credit (besides student loans) and started cooking more so my husband wouldn’t starve.
Share some things you learned about marriage growing up.
Growing up in a Caribbean household I learned the importance of prayer, communication, partnership, providing affection, and caring for the household in marriage. My dad would often share how to care for a man and what not to do. My mom would often say you better learn how to cook and clean but she never spoke of intimacy in marriage. That was taboo for her.
How did those perceptions change after marriage?
After marriage I tried to be this super wife and apply all the advice I was given, which did not work at all. I became overwhelmed trying to impress my husband and he hated it. I realized that I had to create my own story and including my husband was key. My husband grew up in a household where he saw his mother cater to his father and he always said he did not want his wife to do this. My husband asked me to tell him how he could help me because we were a team and in this together. In the beginning it was tough for me because I could be a bit controlling when things are not done my way or in the time I expected. I had to let go and when I did it paid off.
What does it mean to you when the Bible states a wife should submit to her husband, the husband is the high priest of the home, etc.?
To me it means I am to respect my husband and remember that he is the leader of the home. I am not to try to take or replace his role. At the end of the day it’s all about the chain in command. My husband will have to answer to God and I will also have to give an account for my role as well.
Explain your role in your marriage as it relates to supporting your husband, household duties, etc.
My role in my marriage is to support my husband. I do this by praying for him, being that listening ear, working with him and not against him, and providing constructive criticism that will better him. I also make sure that my home is a place of peace. When it comes to household duties, we share the roles. However, the kitchen is my domain. I do all the cooking but I make all efforts to teach him how to cook as well just in case I am unable to.
As a professional woman with a doctorate degree on the horizon, how do you feel playing a traditional role in your marriage with your spouse as the head?
My professional advancement is certainly for the betterment of my family. My spouse has been there for me from the start of my degree. If I advance he advances as well.
In every marriage there will be times when a spouse experiences disappointment, anger, resentment, etc. How do you manage to deal with things when they are not so perfect?
Hard times can really bring much stress to a marriage. At times they are unpredictable but require lots of patience. To manage we pray, at times fast, and find scriptures to cope. I also speak positivity and remind my husband that trouble does not last always.
How is your relationship with your in-laws and how do you manage to be involved with your spouse’s family without having anyone overstep their bounds in your marriage affairs?
One thing I was very specific about when I prayed for my spouse was the relationship with my in-laws. I asked God that I would fit in and forget that they were in-laws, always remembering that they are family. I can honestly say that the Lord answered my prayers. Nevertheless, space is important. There is a good balance.
Does your spouse have children?
Yes, just one.
Explain what it’s like being a stepmom?
Being a stepmom is not easy. However, the key for me was to establish respect on both ends and to build a relationship with my step daughter without trying to over step my boundaries. In respect to my step daughter’s mother, I am courteous. If there is interference or no cooperation, my husband handles it. There are times when you can tell the child is being influenced being a teenager by the words used or actions taken. In such cases I take the opportunity to speak to my step daughter and allow her to process her actions and make it clear that it will not be tolerated. One thing I remind myself is “It is not the child’s fault”. That is why I make efforts to help her feel comfortable and treat her like she was my own.
Is it really a big deal to not be the first to give your husband a child? Why or why not?
For me it’s not a big deal. As long as there is a balance of time given to each child, I’m fine.
Share the importance of your spiritual life in your marriage.
Having Christ as the foundation of my marriage has certainly assisted me. Marriage is a beautiful thing but can be very challenging, especially in the beginning. I believe my marriage is definitely a ministry and it is all about how God can be glorified in it. I also believe God allows us to go through certain situations to use us as vessels to help someone else.
Based on your experiences mentoring women who are newly married or engaged, what do you find to be the most common impediment women have when it comes to how they treat their significant others?
Every experience is certainly different. However, based on my experience common impediments include the lack of communication and intimacy. The smallest things can cause a major argument. For me, in the beginning of the marriage the major issue I had with my husband was the fact that he never put the toilet seat down. I did not realize how much I was annoyed by that until I started slamming the seat and yelling at him. I had to understand that when he was a bachelor he never had to share the toilet seat with anyone. I had to decide if I was going to let it affect me or if I would simply take a piece of toilet tissue and put it down myself. Once I started to put it down myself and totally let it go, my husband started to put it down. He doesn’t remember to do it every time but when he does I appreciate it and thank him for doing it. Lack of intimacy is also a major issue which can cause problems. Sometimes the woman expects the man to read her mind to know exactly what she is thinking at all times (I was guilty of this). I find that it is important to share with your spouse what you like and don’t like. Knowing your spouse’s love language is also helpful and will allow you to comprehend where he is coming from.
Why do you think those problems are prevalent?
I believe these problems are prevalent because of a lack of patience and the refusal to remove self from the marriage (Me-Me-Me mentality). Many individuals come into a marriage with preconceived notions and expectations of what it should be like, and later realize marriage requires work and patience. Others view the marriages of friends and wish that theirs were the same, but don’t realize that no marriage is perfect and all have issues. The key is the way you decide to handle the issues, whether it be family meetings or counseling, something needs to be established early on.
Let’s shift to the fun stuff. What special things do you do that make your husband want to come home?
My husband loves to eat (what man doesn’t). I would prepare his favorite meal plus dessert. I also make efforts to keep up with my looks. I think this is very important because it is so easy to get comfortable and forget that men are visual. Keeping up with your looks also gives you confidence. I also like to plan something small whenever possible to make him feel special like a trip or a small gift just because. I realize that men like to be appreciated just as much as women do, the smallest things go a long way.
What things do you do outside of the home to keep things fresh?
Exercising is huge for me to stay toned. At times I would invite my husband to join me in a walk or run, and it really gives us a chance to reflect, plan, and bond. Going to a nice restaurant and getting dressed up is something else we enjoy and allows for more bonding. Sometimes I look for free or cheap events around town to get us away from the day to day.
Any final words you want to leave with readers?
Marriage is a beautiful institution that God has created and does require lots of work. No marriage is perfect because no individuals are perfect. You will certainly learn more about yourself in addition to your spouse daily. Communication is certainly important. However, trust must be established. Having God as the foundation will not make everything go smoothly, but it will provide you some reassurance that everything will work out according to God’s purpose as long as both husband and wife are aligned in His will.