Hello Everyone! The first interview in the marriage series received a lot of FB likes and reads. Thank you so much for supporting and providing your feedback. Let’s keep up the momentum as our next interviewee shares her thoughts about being single, relationships, and her desire for a strong marriage.
The following interviewee is Loudeline, a young, witty, and beautiful educator and budding entrepreneur in Abu Dhabi. She is a believer who has strong faith in God and an uncanny ability to see life with a positive outlook. Like most women she desires a suitable mate, and despite having experienced some failed dating relationships she still believes there are good men out there. Loudeline will share a little about herself, her dating choices, and how she does not give in to the bitterness many women do when they have been betrayed.
Please tell readers a little about your dating life. How do you meet men?
My dating life is currently at a standstill. On the other hand, at one time I entertained the idea of online dating. I used Plenty of Fish and Tinder, but both of those applications yielded the same results: men who are just looking for a good time or just a good night. I dated a guy in the city where I currently live but that situationship recently came to an end.
I usually meet men casually at different social events, we engage in conversation, exchange numbers and attempt to build a friendship/relationship. If you ask my best friend I’ve dated the same guy just with different names.
Does the fact that you’re educated and independent appear to be an obstacle for you in relationships?
No, not at all. I believe that those are two of the qualities that most of my exes loved and appreciated about me. Furthermore, I have dated men who are well educated, confident, and strong and didn’t shy away from me because of my audacious personality. Surprisingly, it seems that my vulnerability scares them more than my independence. Not everyone can stand the rain.
What do you look for when you date as in do you automatically date with the intention to find out if the man is a suitable mate?
I date with the intention to find a suitable mate; I am 32 years of age and I am not just looking for a “good time” with anyone who is not my husband. This is probably why most of my relationships die out after 9 months or so. If his actions, words, or intentions don’t mirror that of a man who wants me as his wife, I usually take the high road and end things or vice versa. Common said it best, “It don’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine.”
How do you determine that?
I determine that by listening and paying attention to their actions. Often times people tell us what we do and do not want to hear; words are very powerful. I know we have been trained to look at people’s actions, but I look at both. If someone tells me they are going to slap me, you better believe I am going to put my guards up. I am not going to wait for them to whack me across the face to take them seriously.
What things do you do to prepare yourself for marriage?
Honestly, this is a great question and the answer is that I pray. I pray and ask God to prepare me for my husband. I know often times we pray for him to send us someone, but I am praying that when he sends my husband, I am ready to fulfill my duty as his wife, cheerleader, friend, confidante, personal chef and more. Outside of the spiritual realm I choose to invest a lot in getting myself together. Currently I am paying off debt, investing my resources into small business ventures and such.
In relationships where you have experienced infidelity, what signs let you know it was going on?
First let me explain what infidelity is to me. Infidelity is spending quality time with someone else whether it be by a phone call, text message, or casually going to the movies with another individual that is not your significant other. Some people feel that infidelity is when someone sleeps or engages in some type of sexual activity with another person. No, once that individual breaches my trust they are being unfaithful.
For me the signs were they started to fail at the relationship. They failed at answering or returning phone calls in a timely fashion, they failed at keeping their word when we made plans, they just stopped investing towards us because they started to invest their resources towards someone else.
Have all your relationships end on a sour note?
No, not all of them. Some of my relationships ended on a positive note. We made it to a point where we knew our relationship had expired, so we opted to break up and go our separate ways and with some we just met at the wrong time in our lives.
As you reflect on those relationships, do you realize there were red flags that were dismissed? What were they?
Yes, there were definitely red flags but I decided to keep fighting. They stopped making me a priority and started making excuses like, “I can’t make it this weekend for your cousin’s graduation”, but graduation was only 30 minutes away and his schedule was free. “I can’t take you out this weekend, because something else came up”, but no real explanation on what “something else” was.
When things like this happen to women they sometimes blame themselves thinking there was something they must have done, they weren’t good enough, etc. Describe your initial thoughts when your trust was betrayed.
Not to sound arrogant, but I know I’m good enough so that thought has NEVER crossed my mind. Honestly, I just believe that some men believe that life is a buffet (cheap BOGO kind of buffet) versus a nice classy restaurant, where they can enjoy just enough without diving into gluttonous behavior. I only blame myself for overstaying my welcome. My initial thought, “Why did you fight to hold on to something that was done and over months ago?”
How were you able to overcome the disappointment and still hold out hope for love?
Sounds crazy or a bit cliche, but music and seeing success stories. Chrisette Michele-whom I’m still upset with-has a song titled “Best of Me”. Now I appreciate the entire song, but this portion of the song still allows me to hold out for love.
Can’t be the time to be begging/Can’t be the time to plead
My momma made me much wiser/What’s mine will be just for me
I’m trying hard just to focus/I’m trying hard to sleep
Promise I’m glad you’re happy/When it’s my time it will be
Look I’m moving on, oh oh oh
Loved you, lost you/Thought I’d give you
All the best of me/We departed
Broken hearted/I need to be free
What we had was/Oh so lovely
I’ll swallow my pain/It’s my time to
Find the best of me
Furthermore, he was just a boyfriend; this man wasn’t my husband nor the father of my kids. So why should I allow someone who played such an insignificant role in my life, to have such a major impact on MY life?
What signs would you tell women to look for when a man is not invested in the relationship?
As we all know, there’s no sure recipe to this thing we call love, but the lesson I learned from my most recent stumbling block is that we know when someone is no longer investing towards the relationship. You know, often times we say he isn’t consistent. Well, that’s not completely true. If he is consistently not investing his time, energy or resources into you or the relationship, he’s being consistent. If he consistently makes excuses for not being able to spend time with you, but he’s willing to spend time with everyone else, he’s being consistent.
I recall a conversation that I had with my male best friend and he said it most plainly and simply that if a man is not willing to sacrifice anything for you, he’s not the one for you. He went on to say that if he has money and he’s buying you gifts and trips, that’s not a sacrifice for him, but if he deliberately chooses to skip his boys night to take you out to dinner, then he’s sacrificing for you. He has money, but in this scenario he doesn’t have much time.
What do you think it’s supposed to look like when a man is interested?
When a man is interested he makes you a priority and not an option, he wants to be immersed in your life, and he wants to immerse you into his. He gives to you not only mentally, verbally, emotionally, physically, and financially, but he gives to all aspects of your life as well. He wants to make you happy and making you happy comes easy for him.
I asked the last interviewee why does she think women compromise or settle in relationships. I pose this same question to you.
We do this because family and friends tell us that’s what we should do. I had a friend, and although she is near and dear to my heart, tell me “Your standards are too high; it seems like you want this fairy tale ending that doesn’t exist.” When she told me this I was flabbergasted because we tell people to reach for the sky in every aspect of their lives, but now here she is telling me to settle for the man that I want to wake up next to for the rest of my life. I honestly thought she had lost her marbles. People tell us to settle because they assume we are not happy being single. However, honey let me tell you that being single is not a disease. For me, it is an opportunity to focus on me and make myself better. We have to stop letting and allowing people to discount our worth.
This is an opportunity to share why you think you would make a great wife.
I think I embody the skills and the attributes that a good wife should posses. My skill sets include but are NOT limited to the ability to cook, being well organized and efficient, a great conversationalist, and wonderful with kids. I am smart, kind, ambitious, selfless, patient, I love unconditionally (a gift and a curse), family oriented, I know how to express my needs and wants effectively, and I’m spontaneous.
Stay tuned for more interviews in the Marriage Series!
*Photo Credit from Google Images-SpreadShirt