One place I’d like to warn people to be careful of when it comes to rumors is the work place. Most of us spend at least 7-8 hours a day working with  people who, like it or not, become a sort of family to us while we’re there. In order to successfully navigate the office,  we have to be careful what we say and to whom. A simple statement that may have been said in jest may have been repeated in a serious context. An observation may be relayed as a judgment, or a person who has aught against another may decide to damage another’s reputation altogether by attempting to turn others against that person. Then there are people who may no longer want you around and will speak against you to others in order to undermine your contribution. Last, but not least, there are those who may not  say anything against you, but for whatever reason are all too eager to let you know others are talking about you. In any area of life this is dangerous, but especially at work.

It’s one thing to hop on the rumor mill if you are a lay person, but it is a whole other ballgame if you hold a leadership position. It is especially crucial that you do not involve yourself in the rumor mill because doing so may cause you to operate with bias, which is turn ruins your credibility with your subordinates. It is a horrible feeling for employees to know their employer is dealing with them according to unsubstantiated claims, or ill feelings rooted in personality differences and not work performance. Professionalism and discipline must trump these things.

I encourage all of you today to deal with the real. If you are quick to believe something about others, the next time the “other” may be you.

Be blessed!

How are you today? I hope you are feeling well and making people smile. I thought about you today and I want to let you know you’re in my prayers as you are raising tomorrow’s leaders. And in light of that mandate, I want to share something I found disturbing and offer my thoughts about it.

About two weeks ago I saw a video showing a young college-bound athlete choosing for which school he’d play football.  During the live telecast his mother, who sat beside him, showed obvious signs of disapproval at her son not choosing the school she’d like for him to go. Writers went crazy detailing the mother’s obvious disapproval on national TV, which they equated to lack of support. And to add insult to injury, not only did she state she was not happy with his choice, but she gave a shout out to the school where she wanted him to play. Ouch!

When I saw that telecast, my emotions immediately went into overdrive. I tried to think of all the reasons a mother would not openly support her son. Maybe behind closed doors it was a different story, but in front of the whole world, and in front of a lot of people who may  not think highly of black males, the world saw one more black woman fulfilling the stereotype of a hard to please, controlling, emasculating woman. I felt sorry for the boy.

Now you might ask why am I writing to black mothers since any mother could do what that mother did? I recognize your very valid point, but statistically speaking it is black males who have the highest risk for incarceration, who are  prone to either not go to college, or go and not finish. It is black males who are raised by women more so than any other group, and who often lack strong black male role models to teach them how to be men. It is black males who often become “son-husbands”, or are coddled well into their late 20′s, thus resulting in their failure to launch. Young black men are consistently stripped of their manhood in various ways and are in desperate need of some positive reinforcement in order to nullify the negative predictions.

So where does all of this start? In the home. It is not up to the football coach, the TV, or the neighbor, but it is up to the parents (and in many black homes, the single black mother or grandmother) to nurture the greatness they recognize in their child. It is not up to the white man behind the bush to slack off on a brotha, and it definitely is not up to the system. The person responsible for nurturing the child to become a productive citizen is the parent.

I don’t have any children, but I have adopted ones and every semester I teach your young men. If I had a dollar for every dream that was crushed because one of my student’s parents or elder family members offered an unfair criticism, false speculation, or did not understand the gravity of encouragement, I’d be Oprah rich. I look at many people and wonder who they could have been had they not allowed someone who should know better to speak death to their gifts and talents. Things like that eat me alive because how can a culture establish and maintain legacies when the people inside of the culture are the one’s cutting off the lifeline?

Thus my letter. Black mothers, there are enough elements out there to tell your sons that they are less than who they are. There are too many forces ready to assist your son in fulfilling stereotypes. Don’t help the devil.

Humbly,

A Sister Who Wants Our Black Eagles to Soar

*A special thank you to D. Sims-Miles who inspired this piece and who calls her sons her “greatest gift to this world”. Keep up the good work, my sister!

Focus-Keep what you want for your life within your line of sight at all times, find out what you need to make it happen, and set a reasonable timeline to do it

Enjoy Life-Work hard, but play hard too. No matter how old you are, it is good to be in touch with the part of you that lets you breathe.

Make Peace with Imperfection-I’m not perfect. You’re not perfect. Life’s not perfect. It’s too much work to expect it, so I am going to leave it alone and let God handle that.

Keep It Moving-As one of my friends always says, “It is what it is.” Don’t get stuck asking why, why not, what is it, and what ain’t it. See things for what they are and govern yourself accordingly.

Dream Big-If you’re a writer, you can win a Pulitzer. A humanitarian? Why not a Nobel Prize? Want to be a doctor? You can find a cure for something. Big dreams don’t just happen to “other” people; they are possible for all of us. If we can learn to remove fear out of our lives and stop telling ourselves what we can’t do, and focus more on what we can do, we may be pleasantly surprised at where we may wind up.

Keep dreaming, keep living, keep breathing. Something great is bound to happen…TODAY.

All inventions have their pros and cons. I cannot say that I am a proponent of an Amish way of living, as there are many virtues to doing things quicker and easier. However, when it comes to human interaction, nothing beats face time or knowing someone took time out to send a “Thinking of You” card or a hand-written letter. And in the case of Roxxxy, nothing beats flesh and blood! But in our fast-paced, quick fix world, we have become too busy to invest in friendships and relationships in a real sense. I know this too well as I found myself falling into the abyss of technology by telling people I am better on email than on the phone, and quickly realized that nothing replaces a real voice where we can hear the emotions behind the words, or seeing a person’s face as they say everything is fine but their eyes tell us to probe deeper. Via email or text message we can’t always discern a person’s true state, or always know the context of what is said. I have seen relationships strained and reputations ruined, because someone wrote something that wasn’t taken in context, or abused the privilege of status updates on Facebook and Twitter.

Another thing technology affords us is liquid courage. People tend to say things to people electronically that they would not say in person. People write passive aggressive remarks about others in public forums thinking no one will know who or what they are talking about, not realizing how small the world is. But unlike Las Vegas, what happens in cyberspace doesn’t stay in cyberspace! This is especially true of Twitter where people tend to vent more than any other social outlet I’ve seen. How many celebrities have said things in the heat of the moment only to have to retract because they forgot that they were putting their vents out to the public? That is the illusion of social networks. We often feel a kinship with strangers and develop a false sense of intimacy. This makes us think we are only sharing what’s on our cranium with our list of folks, when in fact everything we say and do pushes the start button on the cyber telephone game.  That’s just a little too much.

I challenge everyone to put their relationships in perspective. Be sure to nurture the ones that serve as your necessary food, and be smart about who and how you befriend others in the cyberworld. Nothing beats quality, real-time conversations, honest dialogue, and the ability to take our time to get to know people in a real way. We must mind the times and realize the world loves to run off of the artificial, to the point where a relationship with a robot is now possible. So with that in mind, let’s Go Green with our relationships. It’ll make us feel more human.

*photocredit-www.findmearobot.com

There are people who have what is called body dysmorphic disorder , which is a type of mental illness where they have an inordinate obsession with their appearance. This obsession is marked by harsh self-criticism and often results in depression due to chronic dissatisfaction with their bodies. Then there are those who do not have this disorder, but rather they have a societal disorder where they want to achieve a look that will either make people like them, or help them garner  higher wages in a line of work where private parts are a public commodity.

Some people mistakenly believe that good looks would grant them a better life by receiving more attention and being looked upon as the “It” person. However, most times that is what it’s all about; the “IT”. That “IT”  for some people is actually poison, not only in the sense that people are using the wrong materials  in their bodies, but also poison in that it has created this societal frenzy that roots itself in the superficial, then grows into something unrecognizable once it pushes through the ground. Society is so used to being lied to that lying to oneself is the new normal.

I am not against a nip or a tuck. It is a woman’s right to to do a little fixin’ when Up North becomes Down South, lol. But I think it is dangerous to value beauty over health. And it is also dangerous to live to impress people who don’t like you for you. It is much easier to ask the Lord to help you place a premium on what you were born with so that becoming something you are not isn’t crucial enough to fix a flat –in your face!! A quick Google of plastic surgery gone wrong will make you fall in love with the way you were made. And if that doesn’t work, just look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I will be me for the rest of my life. And if I don’t change, I will still be alright!”

Well, that will be all. I’m about to go for a walk so I can trim my waistline the old-fashioned way.

CYA!

Article link:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/20/butt-implants-fake-doc_n_1103933.html?ncid=webmail1

I agree! Actually, I had been “musing” on the emphasis certain populations of Christians put on the devil just this week. A couple of nights ago I was listening to a not so well known minister out of Nashville who I had become familiar with several years back. This pastor has a decent sized congregation, but not what one would call a mega church. The pastor was ministering to his congregation and speaking on the topic of stress. His topic, of course common but relevant, was delivered with poise, humor, and an apparent/appearance of sincerity. I cannot tell you the number of times he made reference to the Holy Spirit but I can say that I can probably count with one hand and still have fingers left the number of times he mentioned the devil.

 
Yesterday I tried to sit down to listen to a well known minister that I used to
refer to as my spiritual father, he is a mega church millionaire, but I couldn’t stand to listen to it all. I have changed some for the better, maybe some for the worse; still, I know now when I am being entertained and when I am being fed. Don’t misunderstand me, there was plenty of “meat” in the entertaining messages I listened to through the years, but now I realize that just because a meal may offer you certain nutrients it doesn’t mean that it is nutritious. Seems to me certain Christian populations (based on denomination, sub-culture, or SES) place more emphasis on things that are spiritual, and in some cases mystical, than on things that are practical. There should be balance.

 As Christians we are to live in the spirit; however, we are to make a practical
application of God’s word in our everyday life. Some of us want to bypass
practical and jump into spiritual. For example scripture says “love thy neighbor as thyself.” When you don’t love your neighbor and in return your neighbor doesn’t love you and gives you a hard time you think the devil has gotten into your neighbor when in fact you have NOT followed the commandment, and because you haven’t made every effort to live peaceably dissension and contention become the consequence.

When you have a group of people who are disenfranchised, living in lack, and feeling as if they have little or no efficacy they are more inclined to want to hear a sermon about the devil being the reason behind their car breaking down, them getting laid off, and not having money to pay the rent,
because they feel abased they are going to want to hear sermons about them being special, chosen, envied, and next in line for a blessing/miracle. They are also more inclined to want to hear about how God is going to come and save the day! I can recall time when my first car was broke down and I was despondent, I remember being in church and the pastor praying that G.d would “heal” my car. It dawned on me one-day (years later) that when wealthy people have cars to break down they don’t have to pray about it they just get it fixed! If they are really wealthy their assistant or liaison handles it for them (lol) the may never know it was broken, lol. Thus, the devil never gets blamed.

Bottom line, I believe in an omnipotent God and I also believe in a pestering adversary. I believe all to often people mistake religion for superstition and focus too much on what they devil very well may or may not be doing and in addition to that they spend their entire lives waiting on God to do something failing to realize that they (as Christians) are co-laborers with Chri.st and that they have power and authority (efficacy) in the earth.

What I find interesting is that a man can be ambitious, move to the other side of the world all by himself, and no one says a thing. A man can have big dreams, check his own oil, live by his own rules, and that is okay. When a woman does it, she bumped her head and her values are weird. But does it have to be that way?

I have encountered many married women who urged me to fulfill all that I desire (within reason) before I begin to seriously think about entering a marriage union. Their counsel reminds me of  my grandmother who talked about things she wanted to do and places she wanted to go. However, by the time she looked up, she had seven children and was a housewife. When she passed away in 2002, her dreams went with her. It was then that I asked God to bless me to carry those dreams for her. That same year I answered my calling to teach, resigned from my nice paying job (yea, that was a doozy), packed my bags for Tennessee, and at 31 years of age began my quest to pull an “Oprah”–to live my best life.

I want to encourage the single ladies by saying that it is never too late to be authentically you. Do not allow society and other people to dictate who you are supposed to be and what you are supposed to do. When you have Christ in your life, he designs the path you were born to tread. And on that path may very well be marriage one day, and it should be fully embraced at the right time, for the right reasons, and with the right person.

To my married friends, thank you for showing me how to love without fear. And to my single friends, keep progressing. Do the TING Oprah style.

Lata!

Some time ago, a joke was told in church about a passerby who saw the devil sitting on the steps of a church looking like a sad puppy. When the passerby inquired what was wrong, the devil replied, “They’re in there blaming everything on me, and I didn’t even do anything!” Even though I wouldn’t have felt sorry enough for him to ask what was wrong, I can’t say I would have blamed him for feeling the way he did! (EASY! I’m not a devil Apologist.)

While the joke was indeed funny, there is a real side to it all. These days Christians give the devil way too much credit; credit for things that maybe they need to attribute to tangible situations. Certain phrases like “The devil is busy”, “It’s nothing but the devil”, and a host of similar sayings, are used way too loosely in the church. While the Bible is very clear of demonic influence on the earth (Ephesians 6: 10-12), the fact that Christians are so powerless all the time that he is just so freely doing things doesn’t sound quite right. We tend to confess Holy Ghost and power, and being super saved, yet we give the devil equal time in our confession. So do we have power or not?

I think often we may tend to “overspiritualize” matters because we are not ready to face the reality that maybe it is not the devil. Maybe God is jarring us out of our comfort zone, we made a bad decision and are reaping what we’ve sown, or maybe, just maybe, life is not perfect and things happen! And yes, there are times when God uses the devil to test or buffet us (2 Corinthians 12:7), but the key here is that God at the reins, not the devil having his way. The Book of Job anyone? When God is in charge, there is no need for alarm; just faith unto obedience.

I’d also like to address the fact that we need to stop being so quick to say the devil is using someone because that person opposes us. Truth be told, some of us need to be opposed so that we can humble ourselves before we take on a haughty spirit and fall (Proverbs 16:18). Some of us need to be opposed because when God tries to tell us something in a soft way, we sometimes do not accept that he is talking to us. Then there are those of us who need to be opposed so that  God can thicken our skin and straighten our backs, or teach us how to forgive quickly and walk in love (Matthew 5:46). It’s easy to love those who love us, but what about those who oppose us daily?

I hope this little note causes all of us to be more open to the various reasons circumstances occur so that we can experience more honesty in our reality. Sometimes the reasons for what we experience are deep, and other times they are shallow. It’s good to know the difference. And on that note, let’s stop giving the devil so much credit. I think God wants his glory back!

Be smart, be discerning, and be blessed!

When I arrived home, I immediately put on some worship music that exalted the Lord Jesus in all his majesty. There were no lyrics about blessings and stomping the devil into the ground. Everything was about the goodness and glory of God. And as tears streamed down my face, I was reminded of the Jesus I first met, the one who answered my prayer for God the Father to reveal himself to me. I remember with that introduction there was such a childlike innocence I espoused as I dared to go against what I’ve known all my life and actually believe in something bigger than myself.  I felt such love, such care, and such a wave of warmth because I found something new and wonderful that could not be let go.

That train of thought then led me to think about the “Jesus” I was introduced to as I decided to become baptized and officially joined a church. I learned many good things, but I also learned many bad things as well, one of which was this doctrine of God as a taskmaster, one who only wants people to suffer all the time. Many of the hardships I experienced were justified as being the price I had to pay for the calling on my life, but as I grew stronger and wiser, I began to challenge that belief and realized the fruit of the Holy Spirit is not just longsuffering, but love, peace, and joy as well. And that’s where the honesty really came in as I began to dissect my experiences and realized a lot of my suffering was due to ignorance.

As I continued along in my walk with Christ, I was introduced to another “Jesus”, the one who is portrayed as Santa Claus. This Jesus is at our beck and call, teaching us that the purpose of our faith is to become materially prosperous so that we can show people how blessed we are. I never got along with that Jesus, and I remember coming home from a service angry over the rhetoric that has people jockeying for stuff and not recognizing the gem that Jesus truly is whether he blesses us with a five bedroom house or not. I told the Lord, “I don’t want that Christianity! My faith is too good for that. I just want YOU!” And I boo hooed, and boo hooed some more, because I just thought it was so beneath my reason for being a Christian in the first place to spend all of my time waiting on miracles. The fact that I am the woman I am today is a miracle in itself.

So after my long-winding road of a thought process today, I now find myself still in my kitchen on the laptop corresponding with a good friend of mine who loves Jesus for the same reason I do, because he first loved me. I said to the Lord, “Now THAT’s the Jesus I want to know!” And I’m glad I do.

Bless you!

*photo credit-www.lifegivingspring.info

Rule #1-Don’t Play Holy Ghost Jr.

When we are pointing out something to someone, we must remember that it is ultimately the Lord’s job to bring about the necessary changes in the person’s life. Sometimes we can become overzealous and think it is our job to point out everything we see wrong in a person. This opens the door for a spirit of self-righteousness where we think we set the standard people are to live by, and if they don’t live up to it,  something is wrong with them. There are some instances where we must “say”, and other instances where we must “pray”. Very often we may find that the areas we think people need to fix are not based on true convictions but rather on our personal preferences.  God created us to conform to His image, not each other’s.

Rule #2-Speak from the Right Place

As the scriptures tell us, we need to restore our brother and sister in love. There are times when we don’t do that because someone may be dealing with something that appalls us, or it may be a situation that we claim we would never do so the person must have a serious problem. We tend to get puffed up in pride because we don’t see ourselves as jacked up as the other person, or we used to be as jacked up but we were able to overcome it. Everyone has a different struggle, and depending on their past and present experiences, temperament, faith level, and mental/emotional strength at the time, it may be easy or hard to take the leap to fix things. Not speaking the truth in love can make it that much harder for a person to deal with the facts, even if they are ready. Unfortunately there is this defense mechanism in all of us that either tempts us, or makes us, do the opposite of what we should just to prove to the other person they cannot make us do what we don’t want to do. It is self-destructive behavior, but we must keep that scenario in mind to be sure we don’t help facilitate it. We also have to ask ourselves how would we feel if someone strong-armed us? I bet 100% of the time we wouldn’t like it!

Rule #3-Be Prepared for Rejection

Believe it or not, people are not obligated to accept what we say. Even if we are right, we cannot always expect people to roll over and jump at the chance to take our advice. There are some touchy subjects that people don’t want to deal with and they will go to great lengths to make you look like the big bad wolf for speaking on it. The fact that we’ve always been a good friend to that person is not a safety net! A longtime friend can very easily become the enemy if a truth is spoken that the other person does not want to deal with.

Rule #4-Grab a Chair

When we plant a seed of truth in someone, we are not to stand over it waiting for it to grow. After we have done our duty, we need to sit down somewhere. One of the worst things we can do is try to assist someone in their personal alterations, then stand over them to make sure it happens. There are many factors involved in change, and one of them is time. And not only time, but as I’ve mentioned in my previous post, we don’t know how many layers are resting on top of a situation that require more work than we can see. We cannot take for granted that we can see the whole story in a person, and even if we do see it, that we are even truly qualified to speak on or handle it.

At the end of the day people have to make their own decisions and work out their own salvation with fear and trembling. While we are required to assist our brothers and sisters in their quest for forward movement, we must be smart and humble about it. It is not our job to make people conform to how we think they should be, but it is our job to be there for someone when they are ready to make that change. We must do for others what we want them to do for us. That is the Golden Rule, so let’s bling!

Be blessed and here’s to progress!!

Nikkele