Dear Black Mother,
How are you today? I hope you are feeling well and making people smile. I thought about you today and I want to let you know you’re in my prayers as you are raising tomorrow’s leaders. And in light of that mandate, I want to share something I found disturbing and offer my thoughts about it.
About two weeks ago I saw a video showing a young college-bound athlete choosing for which school he’d play football. During the live telecast his mother, who sat beside him, showed obvious signs of disapproval at her son not choosing the school she’d like for him to go. Writers went crazy detailing the mother’s obvious disapproval on national TV, which they equated to lack of support. And to add insult to injury, not only did she state she was not happy with his choice, but she gave a shout out to the school where she wanted him to play. Ouch!
When I saw that telecast, my emotions immediately went into overdrive. I tried to think of all the reasons a mother would not openly support her son. Maybe behind closed doors it was a different story, but in front of the whole world, and in front of a lot of people who may not think highly of black males, the world saw one more black woman fulfilling the stereotype of a hard to please, controlling, emasculating woman. I felt sorry for the boy.
Now you might ask why am I writing to black mothers since any mother could do what that mother did? I recognize your very valid point, but statistically speaking it is black males who have the highest risk for incarceration, who are prone to either not go to college, or go and not finish. It is black males who are raised by women more so than any other group, and who often lack strong black male role models to teach them how to be men. It is black males who often become “son-husbands”, or are coddled well into their late 20′s, thus resulting in their failure to launch. Young black men are consistently stripped of their manhood in various ways and are in desperate need of some positive reinforcement in order to nullify the negative predictions.
So where does all of this start? In the home. It is not up to the football coach, the TV, or the neighbor, but it is up to the parents (and in many black homes, the single black mother or grandmother) to nurture the greatness they recognize in their child. It is not up to the white man behind the bush to slack off on a brotha, and it definitely is not up to the system. The person responsible for nurturing the child to become a productive citizen is the parent.
I don’t have any children, but I have adopted ones and every semester I teach your young men. If I had a dollar for every dream that was crushed because one of my student’s parents or elder family members offered an unfair criticism, false speculation, or did not understand the gravity of encouragement, I’d be Oprah rich. I look at many people and wonder who they could have been had they not allowed someone who should know better to speak death to their gifts and talents. Things like that eat me alive because how can a culture establish and maintain legacies when the people inside of the culture are the one’s cutting off the lifeline?
Thus my letter. Black mothers, there are enough elements out there to tell your sons that they are less than who they are. There are too many forces ready to assist your son in fulfilling stereotypes. Don’t help the devil.
Humbly,
A Sister Who Wants Our Black Eagles to Soar
*A special thank you to D. Sims-Miles who inspired this piece and who calls her sons her “greatest gift to this world”. Keep up the good work, my sister!
This was a good post Nik, your blog is looking great too.
Thank you! I owe you an email. Hold tight!
Well said. Unfortunately there are parents of all races who try to relive their childhood or failed careers through their child(ren). But what she did was a slap in the face to not only her son, but Black Women. Very unhappy Sista.
I really thought she could have waited until she got home to let her son know her displeasure. How many kids get their pick of where they want to go to school for FREE? How many kids have a shot at going pro by being accepted into elite football programs? But I bet if the young brother goes pro, she won’t care who he plays for because she’ll be by his side collecting a check as though she supported him all the way through. Whatever.
You hit a nerve with this one…kudos.
I know. Where’s my bodyguard?!
Superb post! Too many Black mothers are extremely controlling and justify their absolute Over-mothering because they have been self-sacrificial martyrs in “holding it down” all by themselves. A huge part of this control often drives baby daddies to the other side of town or across state lines, who if we are lucky, will pay child support. Theoretically, why should a man pay and stay for someone else’s child and concept of life (he ain’t gonna tell me what to do with “my” daughter) Did I say all of this? Why not. Over-mothers LIVE it, so why not say it. The reality is, as you began to touch, a lot of issues we have with Black men is because they have been raised by Black mothers who rarely provide a well-balanced approach to raising their sons (much better at raising daughters)/part man.
Thank you. Your last statement really said it all. I think this is the reason a lot of black women cannot find eligible black men, because the daughters are raised and the sons are loved. I think there are black men who are in a state of perpetual boyhood because their growth was retarded by a mother who wouldn’t let them grow up. Oh wait, I forgot; it’s the white man’s fault.
We, as mothers, must support our sons. We should stand behind them in the decisions that they make, as long as those decisions are wise and right ones. If we feel as though they may have chosen a wrong turn, then we should speak wisdom concerning the manner, and pray that they make the right decisions based on GOD’S direction for their lives. We should encourage our sons to keep GOD first, and don’t get discouraged if you’re not selected to be a professional athlete. What’s important is for our young black men to get wisdom, knowledge, understanding, and educate themselves.
Furthermore, we have to be firm with our sons. (See, I can talk on this subject all day long…) We must not pacify them or treat them like little babies on mommy’s lap. When a mother spoils her son in this way, the male child has more of a chance of being crippled, co-dependent, underdeveloped, and not ready for the challenges that life will bring him as an adult. Case in point, I know a guy whose mother treats him like a baby, defends for him, and hardly ever rebukes him for the wrong that he does. Whenever he runs into a problem, his mother will let him run back home. This guy that I’m talking about is forty three years old — 43!!! His mother still calls him her ‘boy’. I told him that that’s part of the reason why he behaves irresponsibly is because he is treated as such. I want to tell that mother, “Mam, he’s not your ‘boy’, he’s your son. A huge part of male child’s development comes from how the parent/s interact with him during their upbringing. The Bible says, “Train up a child in the way that he should go, and when he is old he will not depart” (Prov. 22:6). Most of the time, a grown man’s behavior reflects the training he received as a child.
Sorry I got a little long-winded, Nikkele! Thanks for the opportunity.
Thelma
You are awesome and thank you for commenting. I have seen you in action with your boys and I know you work hard to make sure they seize every opportunity for growth. Enablement is a killer. Maybe when I have a son I will understand from experience, but I suspect I’ll be a little tough on the kid, lol.